cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
"911 what’s your emergency?"
it’s….. the president… he hasn’t been online for over 4 months…. i don’t think he’s alive
Comment on the size of a man’s penis and it’s a low blow and a stab at his masculinity. Comment on the size of a woman’s anything and it’s a social norm.
I wonder if anybody’s actually had feelings for me, like actually got upset or mad over little things I did and got jealous and confused over me and thought about me on a regular basis. I feel like I’m the only person that ever really cares about anyone and that nobody’s ever felt that way for me.
I dream to someday run a companies twitter
Can we just talk about Smart Car doing math on how much bird shit it would take to damage their cars?
roses can be red
violets aren’t fucking blue
this is an actual correct poem
bottom line: i’d like to fuck you
Force kids in school to read crappy, overrated books that are “the best books ever written” solely because they’re “classics” and then call those kids idiots because those aren’t the kind of books they like to read and sit back and wonder why we have a nation full of multiple generations worth of people who willfully and proudly refuse to read.